It’s a great day for grotesque, socially inept men who need a sexual release using something other than their hand. The American Medical Safety Board (AMSB) released findings today that prove that having sex with a watermelon is perfectly safe
and it can be assumed that thousands of watermelons will be punished tonight.
“We couldn’t be happier,” declared comedian Gallagher, who is the world’s leading expert on the fruit. “Watermelons have always held a special place in my heart. But for years, I feared that my aggressive sexual behaviour would eventually lead to a severe injury. I truly feel blessed today.”
Since 1876, many have believed that watermelon sex posed impending danger due to the hundreds of watermelon seeds contained within the sweet fruit. Although no documented medical cases existed, folk lore had suggested that using the melon for sex could result in a blocked urethra which would progress into a slow, painful death. The study, however, found that the seeds were very safe and actually contained beneficial properties.
AMSB studied nearly 400 Arkansas men between the ages of 18 and 81 and with varying penis sizes. In 34,789 cases of watermelon feastiality, only 122 men actually had a watermelon seed enter their urethra during smoothie time.* Scientists were amazed to learn that in all of those cases, the men ejaculated immediately, which forced the seed out of harms way.
“Most of my online friends truly believed that they would eventually lose their dick if they took it to a watermelon once to often,” added Gallagher. “In fact, I probably won’t smash watermelons in my act anymore. The reason I used to do it was because of the guilt and anger I felt towards this bodacious treat. It would constantly tempt me and eventually break me down. I would have sex with it and get so mad that I had put my life in danger, that I wanted to kill every watermelon alive!”
Watermelon may be the first known object that is completely safe for sex. The study has also delighted the watermelon industry and production has been increased threefold for next season’s harvest.
The agency did however put out a few warnings to ensure that people were practicing responsible behaviour. For one, it is not recommended to warm up the watermelon in a microwave prior to activities. Doing so can result in certain sections of the watermelon meat to become extremely hot and could result in severe burns. They also suggest not copulating with a watermelon during a family picnic as there may be a risk of having the melon cut up mistakenly. Lastly, they strongly encouraged users to discard their love melon after four uses to avoid bacterial buildup.
We were most shocked however to find that the study has certified the watermelon as safe for BOTH men and women.
*the act of having intercourse with a watermelon